Get your TAX out for the lads
FOMO has you doing all kinds of outrageous activities because the biggest risk of all is never taking that risk. With this in mind you find yourself spending your weekends doing the most ridiculous things. Last month I temporarily lost my mind and got my tax out for the lads.
Cheeky! That's right I said Tax. Every year my firm enrols their most talented and dedicated players to the Summer Football Tournament to battle for the Golden trophy and bring home victory! The criteria to gain a place at the Games is that all players must be of a semi professional standard.
The team is meticulously chosen, each player must be dedicated, strong willed and show the drive to defeat all other departments. But when the professionals are busy alternatively you can send seven girls who are partial to a gin and tonic, willing to hail abuse at their opponents if their outfits offend us, and determined to win despite having undertaken no training sessions and having a very vague understanding of what football actually is?
Cheeky! That's right I said Tax. Every year my firm enrols their most talented and dedicated players to the Summer Football Tournament to battle for the Golden trophy and bring home victory! The criteria to gain a place at the Games is that all players must be of a semi professional standard.
The team is meticulously chosen, each player must be dedicated, strong willed and show the drive to defeat all other departments. But when the professionals are busy alternatively you can send seven girls who are partial to a gin and tonic, willing to hail abuse at their opponents if their outfits offend us, and determined to win despite having undertaken no training sessions and having a very vague understanding of what football actually is?
Meet the team
Gemma Cragg (Team Captain)
Position: Defence
Skills :Has the ability to terrify not only her opponents but her own team with a single stare. This lady means business (I suppose one person needed to know what the rules were)
“I'm not here to make friends I'm here to win” .
This quote was taken from Gemma after she gave a motivational speech as to why her team need to actually run on the pitch. Gemma was not amused after this turn of events, in fact we suggested she take a breather to calm her nerves.
Kate Walsh
Position: Goal keeper
Skills: 360 vision, has the ability to stop any target
Kate was constantly on the ball, shaking in anticipation and looking for her next save. An onlooker did suggest this was because she had consumed 5 tequila shots the night prior therefore she may not have been experiencing 360 vision more like double vision which left her disorientated when in goal and unable to focus. Nevertheless keep up the great work Kate!
Tanya Jackson
Position: Striker
Skills : Tanya can actually kick the ball and sometimes even score!
AJ
Position: defence
Skills: Yo yo player
AJ was brutally pounded into the AstroTurf during a nasty tackle within moments she was straight back up and determined to over throw her target. She may have fell back over in the process and blamed it on her trainers but the intention was there.
Leanne Witkosky
Position: I don't give a f*ck I'll stand where I like
Skills : Tallest girl I know, one stride and she's at the other side of the pitch & Motivational speaker
By this I mean standing at the side lines screaming abuse at anyone that passes even if they aren't involved in the tournament. (I should probably apologise to an elderly Glaswegian couple who were innocently strolling through the park that day)
Sally lau
Position: attack
Skills: Cool as a cucumber
Sally didn’t allow the stress of the match to over throw her performance. She also managed to never break out a sweat during the entire tournament.
Hannah Russell
Position: I still don't know
Skills: Fast
For the whole 6 minutes that I was actually on the pitch I managed to tackle my way to the top. Moments after I found myself staring at the bottom of the ladies toilets. Theres always next year !
Gemma Cragg (Team Captain)
Position: Defence
Skills :Has the ability to terrify not only her opponents but her own team with a single stare. This lady means business (I suppose one person needed to know what the rules were)
“I'm not here to make friends I'm here to win” .
This quote was taken from Gemma after she gave a motivational speech as to why her team need to actually run on the pitch. Gemma was not amused after this turn of events, in fact we suggested she take a breather to calm her nerves.
Kate Walsh
Position: Goal keeper
Skills: 360 vision, has the ability to stop any target
Kate was constantly on the ball, shaking in anticipation and looking for her next save. An onlooker did suggest this was because she had consumed 5 tequila shots the night prior therefore she may not have been experiencing 360 vision more like double vision which left her disorientated when in goal and unable to focus. Nevertheless keep up the great work Kate!
Tanya Jackson
Position: Striker
Skills : Tanya can actually kick the ball and sometimes even score!
AJ
Position: defence
Skills: Yo yo player
AJ was brutally pounded into the AstroTurf during a nasty tackle within moments she was straight back up and determined to over throw her target. She may have fell back over in the process and blamed it on her trainers but the intention was there.
Leanne Witkosky
Position: I don't give a f*ck I'll stand where I like
Skills : Tallest girl I know, one stride and she's at the other side of the pitch & Motivational speaker
By this I mean standing at the side lines screaming abuse at anyone that passes even if they aren't involved in the tournament. (I should probably apologise to an elderly Glaswegian couple who were innocently strolling through the park that day)
Sally lau
Position: attack
Skills: Cool as a cucumber
Sally didn’t allow the stress of the match to over throw her performance. She also managed to never break out a sweat during the entire tournament.
Hannah Russell
Position: I still don't know
Skills: Fast
For the whole 6 minutes that I was actually on the pitch I managed to tackle my way to the top. Moments after I found myself staring at the bottom of the ladies toilets. Theres always next year !
Strategies to Syke out your opponent
On Wednesdays we wear pink
Make sure you are dressed for an Ibiza rave as oppose to a summer football tournament, it really makes your opponent squirm when you look pretty in pink and wonder aimlessly to your positions.
‘Clutch’ that football
It may be a good idea to bring an appropriate sports bag to your tournament as otherwise you may find yourself in a very similar position to myself when the only bag you brought was your white tassley clutch bag. I obviously didn't take this to the match with me as that would look silly. Instead I felt it best to carry my money and phone in the plastic bags given at the airport.
All the gear but no idea
So once you have distributed to your team their neon blue gold digger primary t shirts and pink short-shorts. It is best to have a sports jacket to cover your kit and leave your opponents waiting for the big reveal. In this instance I felt it best instead of bringing a thermal sports jumper to play in style and use my top shop leather jacket. Now I'm ready for business!
Tax tanning
It is not a good idea to get a spray tan before the summer football tour. Shin pads and sweat are not the ideal combination when your tan is two days old. Have you ever tried running around Glasgow high street looking for fake tan? I warn you now it isn't easy, these are people who 99.9% of the time are not exposed to sunlight and their idea of summer weather is when you don't have to zip your puffa jacket all the way to the top.
Note to self: No Glasgow chemist stock instant tan, so unless you want to be offered cold and flu tablets numerous times don't go looking!
It's all mind games!
Take yourself extremely seriously while your plastic bag breaks every time you try to open It, your leather jacket sticks to your streaky orange skin, your teammates insist on playing the gold digger theme tune when they enter the pitch and if the ball comes any where near your face you all scream helplessly. Meanwhile your captain cradles herself in the corner whilst she hyperventilates and realises how ill prepared her team are for this tournament.
Well there's always next year girls.
On Wednesdays we wear pink
Make sure you are dressed for an Ibiza rave as oppose to a summer football tournament, it really makes your opponent squirm when you look pretty in pink and wonder aimlessly to your positions.
‘Clutch’ that football
It may be a good idea to bring an appropriate sports bag to your tournament as otherwise you may find yourself in a very similar position to myself when the only bag you brought was your white tassley clutch bag. I obviously didn't take this to the match with me as that would look silly. Instead I felt it best to carry my money and phone in the plastic bags given at the airport.
All the gear but no idea
So once you have distributed to your team their neon blue gold digger primary t shirts and pink short-shorts. It is best to have a sports jacket to cover your kit and leave your opponents waiting for the big reveal. In this instance I felt it best instead of bringing a thermal sports jumper to play in style and use my top shop leather jacket. Now I'm ready for business!
Tax tanning
It is not a good idea to get a spray tan before the summer football tour. Shin pads and sweat are not the ideal combination when your tan is two days old. Have you ever tried running around Glasgow high street looking for fake tan? I warn you now it isn't easy, these are people who 99.9% of the time are not exposed to sunlight and their idea of summer weather is when you don't have to zip your puffa jacket all the way to the top.
Note to self: No Glasgow chemist stock instant tan, so unless you want to be offered cold and flu tablets numerous times don't go looking!
It's all mind games!
Take yourself extremely seriously while your plastic bag breaks every time you try to open It, your leather jacket sticks to your streaky orange skin, your teammates insist on playing the gold digger theme tune when they enter the pitch and if the ball comes any where near your face you all scream helplessly. Meanwhile your captain cradles herself in the corner whilst she hyperventilates and realises how ill prepared her team are for this tournament.
Well there's always next year girls.